I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

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Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t


HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair


We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.


Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.


morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?



If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.


Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.