@dadtellsjokes

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

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@tweetsbyrocket

interviewer: how are you with excel?

me: i hate it

interviewer: an experienced user then

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

@theshamingofjay

Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.

@LaziestCanine

Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend

@wakeelee

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

@notittryagain

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

@CornOnTheGoblin

? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ?

@CulturedRuffian

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.