@dadtellsjokes
@tweetsbyrocket
interviewer: how are you with excel?
me: i hate it
interviewer: an experienced user then
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@tweetsbyrocket
@sarcasticmommy4
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
@theshamingofjay
Friend 1: I was promoted.
Friend 2: I got engaged.
Friend 3: My wife is pregnant again.
Me: One of my selfies almost got 50 likes.
@LaziestCanine
Doctor: this might hurt a little bit
Me: okay
Doctor: i like you, but only as a friend
@wakeelee
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
@notittryagain
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
@CornOnTheGoblin
? Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ?
@CulturedRuffian
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
@truegritrumble
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
@mdob11
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.