GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
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Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.