@dadtellsjokes

I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature

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@NoogsCorner

Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?

@theshamingofjay

If you’re religious you dont get to pick & choose

“You shall not make for yourself an idol”

That Disney sticker means you’re going to hell

@Douchekevin

Divorce.

When being wrong every day for being alive isn’t working for you.

@Home_Halfway

LAWYER: Can you tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: I’m sure I CAN, yes

LAWYER: Ugh. Please tell the court where you were the night of the murder

ENGLISH TEACHER: Much better. I was killing the victim

@ginadivittorio

The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook

@TheBoydP

Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.

@shawnspree

Is this the movie where a down and out coach is given a chance of a lifetime to turn these nobodies and misfits into a winning team?

@Laser_Cat

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

@SirEviscerate

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?