
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Note on the bed side table read “this isn’t working,” but I put a quarter in and the bed still vibrates. I don’t know what her problem was.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.