I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?