@DeannaMarieRVA

I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. he is a small arms dealer.

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@jellybnbonanza

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

@AaronFullerton

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

@SteveSuckington

Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.

@Tmoney68

If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

@aLunchBox

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

@TheOnion

Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer

@Gre_Gone

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

@ok_one_more

I don’t want to sound insensitive but I used to dream of the day I would only have to leave groceries outside my mothers door!!

@boring_as_heck

A big thank you to whoever spraypainted “KARATE” on the side of my truck. Cops are scared to give me tickets now.

@IamJackBoot

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.