Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
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Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful