Always a metermaid never a meter
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The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?