I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

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Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls


People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.


my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards


Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.


Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.


(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!


Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?


That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.


Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.