@ClichedOut

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

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@specialhug

Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls

@WheelTod

People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.

@seamussaid

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

@oye_gujju

Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.

@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

@skittle624

Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?

@LilFlaOrange30

That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.

@MissHavisham

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.