I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system