I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’