I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.


Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.


[Nature documentary]

Narrator: The average penguin typically reaches one metre in height.

Me: SHEILA! Remember that penguin we hit outside the convent?


perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower


In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.


I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.


ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about