– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
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Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The clerk at the art supply store just told me they have a “Monet back guarantee”…
I’ve never wanted to hit someone more in my life.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
No, actually I hate gambling, that’s why the dice on my shirt are on fire. If I see someone start to gamble I’ll burn up his gambling dice.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
and my snacks…
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.