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Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*


My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”


Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.



5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no


If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.

Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.


Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years


ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich


[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot


Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.