cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
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Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Breaking news:
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on