Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
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My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”
*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Sorry I unfriended you after seeing your Facebook “Year In Review” but it was bad enough the first time.
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
If I hear a bang when I’m driving I just assume I broke the sound barrier.
Not sure where all these dents are coming from though.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[Captain America, minutes after the love of his life’s funeral] Damn her niece is hot
Before you tell me anything about your kid you should know I’m going to mentally leave my body.