8: I want the new iPhone
Me: you’ve never had a phone so you have to start with one of these
8: what’s this?
Me: 2 cans and a string
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
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*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.
It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests
cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers
Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.