@TheAlexNevil

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

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@DaddyJew

8: I want the new iPhone

Me: you’ve never had a phone so you have to start with one of these

8: what’s this?

Me: 2 cans and a string

@Marlebean

Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat

@SteveKoehler22

When our kids were teenagers we moved;
hoping it would help with family strife.

It didn’t work, unfortunately.

They found us.

@3sunzzz

If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.

@abhorrent_wife

Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.

Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.

@aquickschnack

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

@james_comics

me: while tests are supposed to measure aptitude what they actually measure is how good you are at taking tests

cop: that doesn’t apply to breathalyzers

@keyboredest

Frankly auto correct, I’m getting really tired of your shirt.