Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
wash our hands
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
If you’re feeling sorry for yourself for having to homeschool, spare a thought for your kids.
You’re now their prom date!
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.