I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

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FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]


Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.


ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no


[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!


BANK TELLER: to open an account I’ll need a first name
ME: Robin
BT: and a last?
ME: Dabanc
BT: so ur Robin Dabanc
Me: *slowly reveals gun*


It’s easier to travel back in time and stop yourself from being born than it is to delete your Facebook account.


{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.


*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down


Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.