I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
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is this a threat
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Wednesday
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*