We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
You Might Also Like
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?