A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
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New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
My iPod started crying after I dropped it. I said “You’ll be okay, stop syncing about it”. We laughed & made jokes about Microsoft together.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Even the name “OK Cupid” sounds like you’re telling love to, like, settle down.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.