sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
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“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Y’all know who you are.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON