I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
You Might Also Like
just pretend nothing happened
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.