@Book_Krazy

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

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@nevels_kendyle

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

@FeverFlave

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

@ryaninco

Forgive me Twitter for I have sinned, it’s been twenty minutes since my last Tweet.

@SamuelHLowe

– If any person believes that these 2 shouldn’t be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or…
– THE PRIEST ALREADY SAID THAT!
– Ugh, I do.

@HallpassCanada

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

@MrJohnNorris

WHEN I SEE ALL CAPS I READ LIKE THE PERSON IS TALKING RIGHT BY A JET ENGINE, TELLING A CIA AGENT THAT HIS PLAN WON’T WORK…IT’S TOO RISKY

@UnimpressedWU

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

@Overdue_Bills

“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.

– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.