I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
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Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.