Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.