@Schmoodles

I call my bedroom ‘The place where the magic happens’ because one night a guy locked me in a box and tried to saw me in half.

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@briangaar

Damn it’s cold out. Better wear a coat, hat, gloves & boots. Sorry legs, you’re still getting pants only, thanks for doing all the work tho

@ArfMeasures

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor

[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

@WetzelGeek

Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@ericsshadow

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

@AmishPornStar1

“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”

@panmidwest

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

@robfee

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

@mean_spice

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what