My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
good work, detective
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.