if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
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THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.