🤣✨#caturday
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Education is vital
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I have a type: disappointing
This is not me but this is me
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.