Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.

wtf

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.

Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.

I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying

Guy: No it wasn’t me

Me: Impressive