I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.