I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

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god: [squinting at earth] let me borrow your binoculars

angel: first promise you won’t get mad


My 14yo made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day, so I changed the wifi password.


You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.


[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius


ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon


I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.


[first date]
her: so are you a dog or cat person?
me: *long dramatic pause* well… i’m almost positive that i’m just a normal person..?


Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.


7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn’t come last night. *wipes tear*

Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.