me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
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I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.