My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Thinking about Jeff
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
good let them take over I have had enough
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?