@liv_thatsme

I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

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@handsock_butts

Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

@arcadeseals

[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: You need to text faster

Me: Not sure what you just sent. I’m still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago

@imence2

Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”

@ibid78

Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.

@skittle624

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

@HelmdawgE

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds