I call my nephew “dude” and “kid” because I’m a cool aunt. Also because I can’t remember what his name is.

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Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed


[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?


Her: You need to text faster

Me: Not sure what you just sent. I’m still working on the texts from 3 weeks ago


Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”


Keep your friends close but your enemies closer. No closer. Become one with your enemy. You’re now your own worst enemy. Don’t freak out.


It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.


Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..


i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds