People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
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Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha
Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.