I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You Might Also Like
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.