@TheBoydP

I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.

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@JessObsess

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@sarousti

FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building

@ArfMeasures

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.

@Nindoonjibaa

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

@amydillon

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

@dugglebutt

“You should marry your best friend”
is good advice, but I think my best friend’s wife would be pretty upset

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.