smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
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I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I love the National Park Service.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe