May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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Has anybody seen my keys? theyre awesome.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.
I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?