I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
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Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
my favorite genre of twitter
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I used to be married, but I’m better now
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.