I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.