@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

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@turtledumplin

My oldest son & his gf were cooking & asked me how many 1/4 cups are in 1 cup ….

Gonna write a nasty letter 2 college & ask for a refund

@Kernsti

Doctors love to slip in that worst case scenario.

“It could be a cold or strep throat or WEST NILE VIRUS but I’m sure it’s nothing.”

@notfaizzy

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

@HatfieldAnne

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

@JayMindX

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

@kingushbal

Tbh i wanna marry someone as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@EndhooS

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

@myboots111

Losing weight should be like losing your virginity

Once you lose it you can never get it back

@CulturedRuffian

Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?

Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.

Friends: C’mon, just have one….

Me: Ok, maybe just one.

[ three hours later at the club ]

Me:

@jakob_huber

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.