I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

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[first date]

Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?

Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.


By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance


When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.


My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?


Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*


“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”



[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?