I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
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Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage