I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
You Might Also Like
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The Punning Dead.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground