btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
You Might Also Like
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Blew my mind.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking