@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

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@OldSpookMan

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

@Cali_Kid_Mike

“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”

@TheToddWilliams

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

@MaraWilson

Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as โ€œthe cookiemakerโ€

@aotakeo

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

@jwoodham

FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@ChrisScarlette

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh ๐Ÿ™‚

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*