@TheRealRHB

I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

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@squirrel74wkgn

The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

@AimeeHelene1

Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)

@VeggieMonger

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

@letstrytomorrow

i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.

@justmiche74

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@BrainFumbles

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

@Kica333

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

@justabloodygame

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.