I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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“You clean up nicely”, is just a polite way of saying, “You usually look like shit.”
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Day ??? of quarantine: referred to the oven as “the cookiemaker”
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Ari Aster: spends years making a deeply disturbing film
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*