I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream

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The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”


My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.


Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?

*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*

(in customer service line at Walmart)


Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.


i just crushed this bag of doritos so i could pour them in rather than get my fingers dirty because i’m a classy lady.


*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*


Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.


I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.


Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.


Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.