I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.