i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.