Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?
Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.
And all I did was sign up.
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~ realistic wedding vows
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Just came across my proto-Simpsons shitpost from 2015, approximately one million years ago
My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
washing your hands is essential
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???