I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.

You Might Also Like


Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.


Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.


genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”


I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks


Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.


Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.


*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god