@Xoolun

I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.

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@karanbirtinna

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

@PinkCamoTO

Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.

@_squiggz

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

@fro_vo

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

@prettysadmostly

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

@FilthyRichmond

Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.

@primawesome

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

@RoosterMustache

*i sneeze*

Atheist: bless u

Me: ha! i caught u

Atheist: no its just like, an expression

Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god