Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.
And all I did was sign up.
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Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Atheist: bless u
Me: ha! i caught u
Atheist: no its just like, an expression
Me:*grabbing him by shoulders* u believe in god