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@realrossnoble

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

@rhysjamesy

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

@izaaking

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@_salt_n_lime

I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

@ohen39

[after sitting 21 hours for a portrait drawing]
painter: I’m done
me: ok now let’s do a silly one

@juliussharpe

I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.