3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
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“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Don’t touch that.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.