I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
when someone rings the doorbell
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
new year update: losing everything but weight
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.