Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
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So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr