*random dog humps my dog*
Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten.
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Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Imagine me naked.