I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten.
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what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
I always like seeing those “Baby on Board” stickers because it’s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.