@just1fool

I came in like a lion and went out like a kitten.

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@AIMMadellynne

Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.

@djdarrellripley

I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.

@Book_Krazy

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?

@MyPornKhan

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

@_elvishpresley_

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

@AndrewChamings

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

@rebrafsim

Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day

Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6

@ClassADude

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.