“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
i did the math
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?