I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”