Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.