I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶