Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..
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Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
What medications do I take?
I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one