@perilous_sin

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use Real dinosaurs..

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@Kyle_Lippert

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

@spicy_peen

What medications do I take?

I’m not sure. The names on my neighbor’s prescription bottles are ridiculously long

@JasonLastname

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

@JimmerThatisAll

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

@sixfootcandy

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

@lilgapeach30

The black smoke coming from my toaster indicates a new pop tart has been selected!

@DanMentos

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

@Browtweaten

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

@generaldietz

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one