Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
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7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware