I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real zombies.

You Might Also Like


Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow…alcohol is 1 in 5.

You play your game…I’ll play mine


Feeling good about the economy, and my life in particular, because of the stock market. I don’t have money in the stock market, I just like to see the numbers get big


I’m running on two hours sleep. I can start a fight with air right now.


The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.


When I die, the only thing I’m worried about is the staggering amount of Golden Girls erotic fan fiction that my family will find on my computer.


Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.


SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.


Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”


“Why am I so thirsty?”

*Flashback to me eating half a ham*

“Oh, right”