I can also cook 😂
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[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Body by cheese-puffs.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever