i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider