Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
favorite tropes as memes
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.