I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
6. me as a lawyer
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Still cracks me up
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along