I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Noted.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…