Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
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Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Him: ima call you at 11
Me at 11:01: all men do is lie