I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

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Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!


Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer


I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.


*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork


You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.


Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.

Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]

***6 months later***

Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?

Me: … [whispers] meow.


[first day as a wizard]

me: babe I said I was sorry

frog: >:(


[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?


Him: ima call you at 11

Me at 11:01: all men do is lie